Be 100% present. Set aside the usual distractions of things undone
from yesterday, things to do tomorrow. Bring all of yourself to the
work. Practice hospitality. We all learn most effectively in spaces that
welcome us. Welcome others to this place and this work, and presume
that you are welcomed.
2. Listen deeply to learn
Listen intently to what is said; listen to the feelings beneath the
words. Listen to yourself also. Strive to achieve a balance between
listening and reflecting, speaking and acting. You will be invited to
share in pairs, small groups, and in the large group. The invitation is
exactly that. You will determine the extent to which you want to
participate in our discussions and activities.
3. No fixing
Each of us is here to discover our own truths, to listen to our own
inner teacher, to take our own inner journey. We are not here to help
right another’s wrong, to “fix” or “correct” what we perceive as broken
or incorrect in another member of the group.
4. Suspend judgment and assumptions and seek understanding
Set aside your judgments. By creating a space between judgments and
reactions, we can listen to the other, and to ourselves, more fully, and
thus our perspectives, decisions, and actions are more informed. Our
assumptions are usually invisible to us, yet they under-gird our
worldview and thus our decisions and our actions. By identifying our
assumptions, we can then set them aside and open our viewpoints to
greater possibilities.
5. Speak your truth and respect the truth of others
Say what is in your heart, trusting that your voice will be heard and
your contribution respected. Your truth may be different from, even the
opposite of, what another in the circle has said. Speaking your truth
is not debating with, or correcting, or interpreting what another has
said. Own your truth by speaking for yourself, using “I” statements.
6. Maintain confidentiality
Create a safe space by respecting the confidential nature and content
of discussions held in the circle. What is said in the circle stays
here; what is learned in the circle leaves here. Everyone gets to tell
their own story for themselves.
7. Respect silence
Silence is a rare gift in our busy world. After you or someone else
has spoken, take time to reflect, without immediately filling the space
with words. Look inward and listen to yourself in the silence.
8. When things get difficult, turn to wonder
If you find yourself disagreeing with another, becoming judgmental,
shutting down in defense, try turning to wonder: “I wonder what brought
her to this place?” “I wonder what my reaction teaches me?” “I wonder
what he’s feeling right now?”
9. Trust the circle
In the circle, all voices are valued equally. All gifts are welcomed
and respected. Within each circle is the genesis of renewal and
community well-being. The circle can be the instrument for creating a
new community narrative for the sake of our children and grandchildren.
This featured practice appeared in the June 2016 issue of Mindful magazine. Subscribe to read the full feature article, “Telling Stories, Breaking Barriers.”
People often stumble over the concept of acceptance as an approach for dealing with difficult emotions and mind states. In mindfulness-based cognitive therapy
(MBCT) groups that I’ve led, this predictably comes up around the
fourth or fifth session as participants say “How can I accept this
pain?” or “I want to feel fewer of these difficult emotions, not more!”
These reactions reflect an underlying calculation that even though
trying to avoid or push away negative thoughts and feelings can be
exhausting, the strategy has worked in the past, so… why risk using a
different and unfamiliar strategy?
In these moments, rather than answer this question directly, I find it helpful to remind myself of three simple points: 1. Allowing negative emotions to exist in our lives—for the moment—does not mean that we’ve chosen not to take action.
The concept of acceptance, as introduced in MBCT, is intended to
describe the possibility of developing a different relationship to
experience, one that is characterized by allowing an experience and
letting it be. Allowing difficult feelings to be in awareness means
registering their presence before making a choice about how to respond
to them. It takes a real commitment and involves a deliberate movement
of attention. Importantly, “allowing” is not the same as being resigned
or passive or helpless. 2. Denying that a negative mindset is taking place is more risky for your mental health.
The opposite of allowing is actually quite risky. Being unwilling to
experience negative thoughts, feelings, or sensations is often the first link in a mental chain that can lead to automatic, habitual, and critical patterns of mind becoming re-established.
You can see this when someone says “I’m stupid to think like this” or
“I should be strong enough to cope with that.” By contrast, shifting the
basic stance toward experience, from one of “not wanting” to one of
“opening,” allows this chain reaction of habitual responses to be
altered at the first link. Thus, “I should be strong enough” shifts to
“Ah, fear is here” or “Judgment is present.” 3. Acceptance helps you work through each unpleasant experience.
The third is that the practices of MBCT offer concrete ways for
cultivating a stance of “allowing and letting be” in the midst of
difficult experiences. In fact, often people “know” intellectually that
it might be helpful to be more loving, caring, and accepting toward
themselves and what they are feeling, but have very little idea how to
do it. These capacities are unlikely to be produced merely by an effort
of will. Instead, they require working through the body with repeated
practice over time to notice things, like anxiety, may show up as
tightness in the chest, or sadness as heaviness in the shoulders.
Bringing attention/awareness to the sensations that accompany
difficult experiences offers the possibility of learning to relate
differently to such experiences in each moment. In time, this practice
of working through the body may allow people to realize, through their
own experiential practice, that they can allow unpleasant experiences
and still be okay.
When it comes to negative
experiences, we have habitual ways of responding to what triggers us.
But we can learn to step out of and stay out of negative thought cycles.
Our patterns of negative thinking are often based on old, well-practiced, automatic cognitive routines
(often repetitive). They are motivated (usually ineffectively) by the
goal of escaping/avoiding distressing feelings or problematic life
situations. These unhelpful routines persist because we remain in a
cognitive mode characterized by a number of features. I call these the 7
drivers of old habits of thinking:
Living on “automatic pilot” (rather than with awareness and conscious choice).
Relating to experience through thought (rather than directly sensing).
Dwelling on and in the past and future (rather than being fully in the present moment).
Trying to avoid, escape, or get rid of unpleasant experience (rather than approach it with interest).
Needing things to be different from how they are (rather than allowing them to be just as they already are).
Seeing thoughts as true and real (rather than as mental events that may or may not correspond to reality).
Treating yourself harshly and unkindly (rather than taking care of yourself with kindness and compassion).
The good news is that we can learn how to step out of and stay out of
these ruminative thought cycles. The first step is be mindful (aware), let go.
Letting go means reducing your involvement in these routines, freeing
yourself from the need for things to be different, as this is precisely
what drives the thinking patterns—it is the continued attempts to escape
or avoid unpleasant moments that keep the old negative cycles turning.
The aim of Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) is freedom, not happiness or relaxation, although these may well be welcome by-products.
A general attitude of kindness and care help prevent the
reinstatement of old habits of thinking by showing us that it is
possible to approach unwanted experiences with a gentle curiosity and,
in doing so, develop a different relationship to them.
Kindness Plays an Essential Role
Ensuring that a general attitude of kindness
and care pervades all aspects of your practice is foundational with
MBCT. These particular qualities of mind help prevent the reinstatement
of old habits of thinking by showing us that it is possible to approach
unwanted experiences with a gentle curiosity and, in doing so, develop a
different relationship to them. Mindfulness is not just about paying
(or shifting) attention but more about the quality of attention that is
being paid. See what happens when you practice being kind to your
experiences, and gentle with yourself when old habits of mind threaten.
Over the next several weeks practice noting your Inner Critic as you go
about your daily life. Give this voice a nickname if you’d like.
1. Ask yourself, if someone were actually standing next to me and supplying the same commentary, how would I handle it? You’d probably respond with something like, Thanks anyway, but I’m leaving now.
2. Without getting sucked into debate, each time you notice the Inner Critic, take a pause.
3. Breathing in, recognize the voice of criticism, and whatever it’s
implying about you or doing to your emotional state. Acknowledge that
experience without needing to either banish it or rationalize it. This is how I feel right now: tired and insecure and angry.
4. Breathing out, let go. Instead of wrestling with self-judgment,
see it for what it is, and turn your attention somewhere more useful.
Focus only on the sensation of breathing as best as you’re able, without
striving or forcing anything.
5. Wish yourself well, like you would a close friend in distress.
Picture freedom, relief, or ease with each exhalation as an intention
for now or sometime in the future.
Most people I’ve met, if not all,
would like to be happy. There are all kinds of books on happiness,
courses on happiness, and documentaries on happiness. So why aren’t we
all just happier? If we’re approaching happiness as some goal to
achieve, we’re almost always going to reinforce that something is wrong
with us and fall short. If we see it as an unfolding process of
learning, we will most likely be able to be more grateful for the good
times and more graceful during the more difficult times.
I can’t reinforce enough the critical importance of seeing happiness
practices as something to continue to play with and learn from, rather
than using them to achieve some desired end state. You might be able to
taste happiness if you see it as a performance, but only with a learning
mindset will you find more mastery with it.
Here are 5 Practices for Daily Happiness:
Be Playful
We need playtime and we need it daily! One of the first scientists to
embark in the field of neuroplasticity, Marion Diamond, showed how rats
that have toys and playmates inevitably ran mazes more efficiently and
also showed growth in an area of their brain (the cerebral cortex) involved with cognitive processing. Play enhances social bonds and social learning—key areas for generating happiness.
How do we figure out what play means to us? This is going to mean
different things to different people. What’s playful to you, may not be
playful to me. You may enjoy competitive sports, board games, or going
out and doing something — anything. Making it prosocial with friends
adds another level of engagement.
Be Mindful
Well, you knew I was going to say this one. Years ago, Dan Gilbert
and Matthew Killingsworth out of Harvard created an app called trackyourhappiness.org.
This app pinged you to see if you were paying attention to what you
were intending to pay attention to and how you were feeling (this is a
general description). Thousands of people went through this and they found that
on average our minds are wandering 46.9% of the time. It also found
that the more the mind wandered, the unhappier we were. Now there are a
variety of studies pointing the happiness effects of mindfulness on the
brain.
Ultimately, mindfulness helps us pay attention to our intentions, here’s a mindful breathing practice to play with daily.
Be Forgiving
We’re all imperfect at practicing what makes us happy. But the better
we get at forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, the less dwelling
there’ll be and the better we will also get at getting back on track. In
Uncovering Happiness you’ll notice the suggestion to practice “Forgive, Investigate and Invite.” Forgive yourself for the time gone by, it’s the past, Investigate what brought you off track so you can learn from it and Invite yourself to begin again.
Also, the better we get at forgiving others, apparently the higher our happiness quotient can go. There’s plenty of research pointing to this, but some of the more informal research by Soul Pancake is more fun (see below):
Be Compassionate
The act of recognizing someone else is suffering with the inclination to want to support them has plenty of science-based correlations to a meaningful and purposeful life. Creating
social connection is a major happiness booster, makes important neural
shifts in the brain and giving makes it even that much better.
Commit to smiling more, saying thank you, or letting someone merge in
front of you in traffic. You can also give financially or volunteer
your time. Recognize you are part of a larger network and as my late
Grandmother in-law Margie Lipman said in her Ethical Will “Reach out to those who ache for some comfort, search for ways you can lighten their load.”
Eat, Sleep, Exercise, Rest (aka The Basics)
The science seems to be very clear on these (along with probably
millions of testimonials). Whenever someone comes to see me in my
practice these are the fundamentals I look for. How are you eating, what
does your sleep look like, how do you rest and are you exercising?
These are all keys to not only happiness, but healthy brain development. Focusing on these basics can create an internal sense of personal control which is correlated with happiness.
It can be overwhelming to consider taking action here, so consider
the question, “What do I think I can do?” and then make a plan and go
from there.
Take these to heart, weave a bit of them in daily or as we say in MBSR Every Day: Daily Practices from the Heart of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (that we stole from Nike) – “Just Do It!”
Elisha Goldstein on why grudges keep us stuck and a mindfulness practice for embracing others when they've hurt us.
By
Elisha Goldstein
A little while ago I wrote a post
around the importance of learning how to practice self-forgiveness. In
that same vein it is essential to learn how to practice forgiveness no
matter what. This may sound extreme, but let me explain. Forgiveness, as
you may have heard or experienced, is simply the act of letting go of
the burden that you carry from another person who has hurt you out of
their own pain, ignorance, or confusion. It’s a practice of freeing up
your energy to focus on things that incline toward your own health and
well-being or the health and well-being of others.
There’s a saying: “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and
expecting the other person to get hurt or die.” The reality is holding
onto resentment literally keeps our cortisol running and makes us sick.
The wonderful thing about forgiveness is it really only takes one to
tango. You only need one person to forgive—you! You don’t even need the
offender.
Right now, if you have someone you’re holding a grudge against or are
resenting, imagine the two of you tied together in a tug of war and
imagine the cord being cut…you no longer have the tension of the rope,
you are free!
Of course it’s not often this easy and it’s a practice to forgive,
but what else is there to do? Hold onto the resentment so we continue to
suffer? We’ve already been hurt, why continue to inflict further
suffering on ourselves? “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”—Paul Boese
If you are open to letting go of the resentment-habit and opening up
to a better future, play with the following short forgiveness practice
from The Now Effect:
Allow this to be a choice point to practice forgiveness.
Think of someone who has hurt you or caused you
pain (maybe not the person who has hurt you most) whom you are holding a
grudge against right now. Visualize the time you had been hurt by this
person and feel the pain you still carry. Hold tightly to your
unwillingness to forgive. Now observe what emotion you are feeling. Is
it anger, resentment, sadness? Also use your body as a barometer and
notice physically what you feel. Are you tense anywhere or feeling
heavy? Now bring awareness to your thoughts; are they hateful, spiteful
thoughts?
Feel this burden that lives inside when you hold
so tightly to past hurts. Now ask yourself, “Who is suffering? Have I
carried this burden long enough? Am I willing to forgive?” If not, that
is okay, perhaps the time will come when you’re ready.
If you are ready practice “Breathing in, I
acknowledge the pain, breathing out, forgiving and releasing this burden
from my heart and mind.” Continue this as long as it is supportive to
you.
Here’s a short video to guide you through the exercise in forgiveness:
Remind yourself that it takes courage to forgive and so allow this to be a part of your new story.
Self-blame is a human dilemma. We
may blame ourselves for shouting at our kids or not protecting our
siblings from abusive parents when we were young, or hating ourselves
for something we wish we hadn’t said. But blame creates a destructive
amount of continual stress that holds us back from learning from our
mistakes and also uncovering a real happiness.
So, assuming many of us agree that forgiving ourselves and learning
from past mistakes is important for our health and well-being, the next
question is how do we actually go about forgiving ourselves?
Know that you are not the first or the last
One of the first things to do is understand that you are not the
first person who has made this mistake; it has likely been made
thousands if not millions of times before you by other people. I am not
condoning the action, but simply letting you know that you are not alone
and that many people have made this mistake in the face of common human
challenges. One of the common things we do as humans is taking things
personally to a fault. When we come to understand that no one is immune
from being unskillful, we can begin to take it a little less personally.
This helps us in the process of forgiveness.
Understand that it’s in the past
Another thing to remind yourself of is that this act you may have
committed is now in the past, it is not present, and you are not
currently doing it. Notice when the mind trap of blaming yourself for
past events arises, see if you can acknowledge its presence and then
remind yourself that you did make mistake, but that was the past and you
are going to learn from it. This practice of blaming does not support
you or others in any way at all. Allow the process of forgiveness of
this past event to surface and begin to see it as something that you can
learn and grow from moving forward. This will free you up to be more
skillful in the present.
What we might do is say “In the past, I had done or been xyz, and now
I am (connect with positive intention.” For example, “in the past I had
an affair, today I am a loving and committed husband/wife and the love I
feel for my children sustains me.”
Adopt a learning mindset
We are always going to make mistakes in this life. Everyone does. But
the key mindset that turns this on it’s head and catalyzes growth and
happiness is the learning mindset.
This is a single thread that weaves throughout Uncovering Happiness and also the newest release MBSR Every Day: Daily Practices from the Heart of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.
Every single experience in life contains information to help us get better and better with our intentions in life.
So forgive yourself for the past, but investigate how you made this
error or if it was even an error on your part at all. If it was ask
yourself, “What might I do differently next time?” Then invite yourself
to begin again.
This is a practice I call Forgive, Investigate, and Invite.
We can begin to let go of our grievance stories of the past and begin
to build new ones with more conscious intention on how we want things
to be moving forward. This will be a process and will take patience,
determination, and persistence as the old stories and habits of self
blame will keep creeping back into the mind leading us back toward our
old unforgiving ways that don’t serve us. See if you can notice when
this happens and then invite yourself now to begin the process of
self-forgiveness again
A little while ago I wrote a post
around the importance of learning how to practice self-forgiveness. In
that same vein it is essential to learn how to practice forgiveness no
matter what. This may sound extreme, but let me explain. Forgiveness, as
you may have heard or experienced, is simply the act of letting go of
the burden that you carry from another person who has hurt you out of
their own pain, ignorance, or confusion. It’s a practice of freeing up
your energy to focus on things that incline toward your own health and
well-being or the health and well-being of others.
